probably water
listened to this is water again last night — david foster wallace’s commencement speech. every time i hear it, it hits differently. this time, one line stuck: THE MOST DANGEROUS KIND OF IMPRISONMENT IS THE ONE WHERE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU’RE LOCKED UP.
and honestly? that’s exactly where i am right now.
i feel like i’m at some weird crossroads. not dramatic. just... foggy. like i’ve been following a road that used to make sense, and now i’m not sure if i chose it or just never stopped walking. i keep asking myself:
- am i even good at what i do?
- is this still what i love?
- do i actually like tech — or just the identity i built around it?
- who’s really rooting for me?
- what actually makes me feel alive?
no real answers. just a lot of low-level noise in the background — like a hum that never shuts off. a fog that makes everything slightly less visible.
wallace talks about default settings — the invisible stories that shape how we see the world. and i think i’ve been living on autopilot more than i’d like to admit. hustling out of habit. building out of fear. measuring worth with metrics that don’t belong to me.
it’s not that i hate my work. it’s just that i’m starting to notice i don’t question it enough. and when i do, it shakes me a little. because if i strip away the work, the product, the goals — what’s left? who’s left?
i don’t know yet. but i’m trying to pay attention.
trying to notice what feels off. what feels fake. what i’m doing just because it’s familiar. and maybe, that’s the start of something better — not some reinvention arc, just honesty. tiny moments where i stop pretending i have it figured out.
so yeah. this is probably water.
and i’m trying to see it while i’m still in it.
here's a link to the amazinggg speech that always teaches me something or the other.